Here is this weeks Assinder Report from our resident whino, Mr James Assinder. This week, i've taken the liberty of locking him up in the soon-to-be-empty BB house. His task for this week: Write a bloody report!
Physics put to use in the real world: it’s preposterous
Strange
Geordie voice: Week 4 of the Assinder report and James has been racking
his proverbial brains for the past 6 days trying to decide on a subject for
this week’s report. He comes to the diary room to talk to Big Brother.
James: Hi Big Brother.
Big Brother: (posh Sussex voice) Hello James, how are you
getting on with this week’s Assinder report?
James: It’s tough Big Brother, I just can’t think of a topic
that would delight, amuse and provoke the thoughts of both of my regular readers.
I have somehow stumbled, quite by accident, into the unenviable scenario of
being an unaccomplished writer with an adequate muse but no inspiration.
Big Brother: Is there nothing you can think of to write about
James?
James: Well, I did have one idea. It may sound stupid but
I considered cutting the crap and writing a report that didn’t attempt to
answer any meaningful questions or moan about how life is. This new report
would focus only on 2 words. How does Big Brother feel about this?
Big Brother: James, Big Brother cannot express opinions but,
off the record, it sounds as inane and drab as all your other reports so go
for it. What 2 words did you have in mind?
James: Well, I didn’t go for the obvious. Most people would
think that I would discuss ‘live dangerously’, ‘be prepared’ or ‘where’s Grandma?’
but I would prefer to mull over the relative merits of that overly used cliché
‘opposites attract’.
Yes,
my friends, we have all said it at one point or another. It is the expression
that we use when we find out that our dandruff-ridden friend has fallen for
the most beautiful girl in school. “Oh yeah, you’re a shoe-in, opposites attract
innit”. Firstly, let me get one thing straight, I am no modern day Casanova
(whatever some of you out there may think), my knowledge of matters of the
heart is limited. Put another way, if love is a game (and many believe it
to be), I would be the guy who got up late and is at this point in time attempting
to persuade the coach (a Sgt.Bilko-like figure) of his potential and how he
should be given a run-out in the first team. Despite the obstacle provided
by this substantially high hurdle, I will plough on. I have had plenty of
experience of bullshitting in the past, it’s about time I applied it to something.
Now, ‘opposites attract’, the basic principle is that for each particular
person, the perfect partner would be someone who has a personality such that
it is the exact opposite. Initially, this can be applied to boys and girls.
On the most basic of levels, girl is the opposite of boy and therefore the
theory works (despite the fact that it completely denies the existence of
homosexual relationships). It is when we delve deeper that the theory begins
to develop holes that have only previously been seen in blocks of Swiss cheese.
The holes though do remain out of sight when we consider the theory in relation
to Shakespeare, whoever thought that prissy Juliet would end up with bad-boy
Romeo or that weedy Macbeth would shack up with Lady Macbeth, the embodiment
of pure evil? It is also present in any Romantic Comedy in which a country
hick gets together with a city slicker (‘Bringing Down The House’. The lowest
point of Steve Martin’s career) or where a priest falls in love with a ruthless,
foul-mouthed, alcoholic businesswoman (‘Keeping The Faith’).
Well that was the (rather short and slightly ropey) case for the defence.
Now, the slimy, spoilt brat of a prosecution lawyer gets up from his chair.
He runs his hands through his over-gelled hair, snaps shut his $300 briefcase
and prepares to tear the theory apart like Queen Latifah’s Oscar dress after
the after-show all-you-can-eat buffet. Lets be sensible here guys and take
what this theory is saying literally. If it is all true then in the near future
we may be seeing Andrew wining and dining the likes of Jennifer Love Hewitt
and Britney. It may also be the case that Rebecca and Enrique Iglesias will
ditch Michael and Anna and will frequently be seen sauntering around Beaumaris
castle, arms linked in a ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ fashion. It would also see
the one that you call Quiff end up with some horrible, ugly hag with no sense
of humour. (Always be nice to an editor who promises you a free mobile). Her
only redeeming characteristics would be that she would not push the people
who work for her for one report every single week and she would be able to
reply to an e-mail in less than 3 days. (Never be too nice to anybody). I
cannot imagine that any of these hypothetical scenarios will come to pass
and I think that with this point, the slimy lawyer has shown that degrees
from Harvard law school can get you somewhere. He has scored an important
Home Run for the prosecution. He then goes on to discuss what long-standing
institutions of the world would not exist if opposites attracted. Posh and
Becks (stupid is as stupid does, even George.W. could count their combined
IQ’s on one hand). Julius Caesar and Cleopatra (the feisty temptress combined
with one of the most ambitious, strong-willed generals in the history of Rome).
Wardy and Jess (both keen wannabe marine biologists) . The slimy lawyer looks
smug; he feels he has the case in the bag. But does he?
That is up to you to decide readers. Consider what you have read and make
up your own mind on whether opposites are the best or whether having things
in common rules the roost. You probably don’t care for my opinion but I will
give it anyway. This humble, mild-mannered reporter is of the opinion that
the ‘opposites attract’ theory is a complete load of crap. I say this only
because it tramples all over a theory that I much prefer which is the theory
of fate and destiny which says that for everyone, there is someone out there
that can make life complete, a soul mate if you like. I personally would rather
spend one lifetime searching for this one person than spend eternity having
meals at small, pokey Italian restaurants with people who society believe
are perfect for me because we pronounce the word ‘scone’ differently and relax
to different kinds of music.
Anyway, I’m
going to go now before I start to sound too much like a Steve Harley song.
PLEASE, PLEASE E-MAIL SOME COMMENTS, IT FILLS THE VOIDS IN-BETWEEN QUIFF’S
HEAVY DRINKING AND POOL-PLAYING SESSIONS.
James [email protected]
Quiff [email protected]
p.s. I would like to dedicate this instalment of the Assinder report to the memories of Katherine Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Marc-Vivien Foe and Dennis Thatcher. May God bless them; they will be sorely missed.
Do you believe in Opposites Attracting? Click Here for the last Assinder Report.