In this report, you can see the imense strain this forced writing is having on Mr Assinder. I'm wondering how many more bloody reports it'll take for him to crack completely.
No
Nick Hancock, No Paul Merton just pure unadulterated bitching
By James Assinder
Hello once more. Number 7 and I really think that I am getting the hang of this writing lark. I am, this week, going to write on a topic in a vain attempt to inspire some responses. Recently, I have been wondering what it would be like to be famous (I’m sure I’m not alone, we’ve all done it at one point or another). An integral part of being famous is appearing on the hit TV show ‘Room 101’ and bearing that in mind, I have been mulling over what my five choices would be. I’m going to assume that you are all aware of the show’s concept, if not, I’m not going to explain it to you, you’ll pick it up as we go along. It is up to you to decide whether my choices should be put in or not.
1. Pretentious People
Think about the Billy Joel song ‘Uptown Girl’; don’t even give the Westlife version a passing thought. The girl in the song does not want the guy because he is some lazy, scruffy slot-jockey and she is an inbred snob. What is ironic is that he is still attracted to her despite the fact that she believes she is the centre of the universe. Regardless of the fact that it was the subject of one of the biggest songs of the 70s, I think that pretentiousness is probably the least desirable quality in anybody. I can’t comprehend why some people have an in-built complex that makes them think that they are far superior to everyone around them. This has certainly been an issue throughout history from the Chinese Dynasties through Nazi Germany up to the Civil Rights Movement. You think that after all these tragic events, we as a society would realise that inequality doesn’t pay.
My only point on a reasonably serious issue. What do you think? Does it go in or not? (N.B. Putting it in does mean an end to Laura Fisk, think about it).
2. ‘Grease’
No, not John Brawn’s favourite hair product, the ‘teen’ movie starring the prissy Olivia Newton John and John ‘Should have got an Oscar for Pulp Fiction’ Travolta. Now, how can this movie irritate me? Is what I hear you scream; it is a delightful piece of cinema. Wrong, this movie encapsulates everything that is wrong with the world. Millions of the Earth’s children have grown up watching this movie thinking that life is one big song and nothing bad ever happens. If Rydell High were in the real world, Danny would have been dumped by Sandy and would have been found screwing someone else the next week. This, combined with the bullying by Rizzo and her lickspittles, would have provoked Sandy to hang herself with the OAP nightie that she always wears. Rizzo’s pregnancy would have turned out to be real and her and Konicky would have been forced to move into a tenement block. Konicky would have worked in the local Wal-Mart to fund his ever-expanding family. Danny would have lost the car race to that slimy-looking dude and would have commiserated himself by driving to Mexico and getting stoned with a bandido named Alfonso. I’m sure if they had stuck to the rules that the normal world works by the film would be a cult classic rather than an Easter/Christmas movie.
So if this were a celebrity’s closet status, would it be Orlando Bloom or Graham Norton? In or out?
3. TV Talent Shows
I know people have bitched about this at length before but as new series of both ‘Pop Idol’ and ‘Fame Academy’ begin, I believe it is appropriate to attempt to put an end to this madness so that ITV can go back to showing those ‘wonderful’ ‘…From Hell’ programmes and the BBC can schedule something else with either Ian Wright or Philip Schofield. I don’t understand why anyone in their right mind would choose to enter one of these ridiculous farces in the first place. If you’re a crap singer, you are ridiculed by millions on national TV before being offered a record deal to make cheesy pop songs that all include the word ‘cheeky’ in the title. If you’re good, you get your 5 minutes of fame and are then ritualistically thrown on the pop scrap heap with the likes of East 17 and Bros, only dug up when another ‘I Love (Insert year here)’ programmes comes along. Surely it would make more sense if the programme makers invested the money in youth music schemes in order to train some musicians who can actually play instruments rather than another Will Young or Gareth Gates. Either that or they could use it to set up a hotline with a recorded message that repeats the words ‘you will never be successful’ over and over again so that anyone contemplating entering a TV talent show can just call up and have their spirit crushed without having to spend 10 or so weeks in the presence of some balding overly-paid record execs who weren’t talented enough to make it into the big time.
You’ve got the hang of it now. In or out?
4. The Lack Of Beauty Pageants In The UK
You might think that this one is slightly bizarre and you may even go as far as to say that you can’t put a lack of something into a room. Well, I can, it’s my report, life sucks, deal with it. In the magical USA, beauty pageants are as common as hubcap thefts are in Liverpool. It is an amazing ritual in which a group of overly preened youths go to a hall full of previous beauty pageant winners and middle-aged single men. There they go through a set routine that usually includes an eveningwear competition followed by a talent competition followed by a question and answer session. If we made such a ritual of beauty pageants in the UK, I believe that our society would be far richer. We would also be given the (hopefully televised) opportunity to chuckle wholeheartedly as every competitor says that if they could have one thing, it would be world peace. It would certainly be an adequate replacement for TV talent shows. Bring on the tap-dancing and the songs from clapped-out Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals.
In or out? You decide.
5. Shoes
Many people,
when confronted with the daunting task of commenting on shoes, would probably
say that they have no real opinion either way. I however have a number of
problems with shoes. The first problem is the fact that I can’t really see
why we need shoes in the first place, what is the real point of them? If we
all walked around barefoot would it really make a huge difference on our lives?
As far as I can see the only thing that would really be affected by the absence
of shoes would be the ending of ‘The Wizard Of Oz’, Dorothy would certainly
have to find something else to click together. Other than that, nothing else
would change. Obviously, the streets would have to be cleaned a bit better
so that people didn’t keep incurring Claims Direct-style injuries on discarded
bottles of Smirnoff Ice. In fairness though, it is someone’s job to clean
the streets regardless of whether we have shoes or not. I believe that the
concept of shoes was thought up by a ‘Robbie from Eastenders’ character that
preferred spending time in his potting shed with a copy of Playboy and a scotch
on the rocks to doing any real work. He therefore took his idea to his friend
whose name was clearly Adidas or Nike and thus the shoe was born.
Now, for someone to have one problem with shoes is rare but I, in fact, have
two. My second problem is regarding one of life’s biggest mysteries. Why do
you always see one shoe lying on the side of the road? It makes absolutely
no sense whatsoever. Today, on the gruelling walk from Llandegfan to Menai
Bridge (about 2-3 miles), I saw two different shoes lying on their own on
the pavement. Could it possibly be that a one-legged person with a shoe fetish
is roaming the country in an attempt to find one shop in the UK that will
sell them individual shoes? Could it be that that person merely tosses aside
the spare shoe in case someone else with the same dilemma passes by? Who knows?
All I know is that it is taking up valuable pavement space that could so easily
be used by the general public.
So, for the last time I say, in or out?
Well, it has been a fun Orwellian ramble but now I must leave you. Quiff has asked me to mention that he will buy anyone who responds to this with their own top 5 a drink and they will also receive a signed copy of Quiff’s much sought after autobiography entitled ‘Sibling Rivalry: Not A Chance’.
James [email protected]
Quiff [email protected]