quiffsamazingworld:christmasbollocks

Personally, I hate Christmas with a passion. Thats all I have to say on that subject.

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9th December – (For the girls) The below look is not attractive on a man, let alone on a woman

Now, let’s get one thing straight. I have no problem with the concept of ponytails as a whole. I just don’t understand why it is in the nature of some women to plaster their hair to their scalp using enough hairspray to destroy the ozone layer fifteen times over. It may be harsh but it needs to be said, men don’t like the scally look. The solution is simple. Merely remove a few loose strands of hair, as shown below and voila, problem solved. Thank you.

10th December – Talk

You’re probably thinking what the hell is he muttering on about now. I’m speaking of communication. I’m a big fan of texting, I think it is a great idea permitting us to ‘chat on the move’. What corporate bollocks, all texting is doing is highlighting the fact that we as human beings would prefer to hide away in our own little technology-filled worlds than actually have civil conversations. Just think about this and next time you’re about to send a text, think. Instead save your fingers, call the person, you’ll feel better for it.

11th December – Remember the one worthwhile cliché ‘Blood is thicker than water’

Family. They piss you off constantly. From your lecherous Uncle Louie to your cantankerous Aunt Mavis right the way through to your overly-protective parents. But just think where you would be without them. Up shit creek without so much as a boat let alone a paddle. In a form of Hobbesian state of nature (a state of no government, the only thing I have learnt so far, ALL SEMESTER) with no-one to take examples from or be influenced by. So, this Christmas, when all the old arguments are dug up, when your mother and sister begin to bicker over who exactly did lose the small wheel in the family Spirograph and all the domestic crap gets thrown in your face. Be thankful because some people don’t even have that. And, if all else fails though, bear in mind the following phrase.

Stuffing Solves Everything

December 12th – Always talk to strangers

I am not condoning paedophilia. If someone comes up to you in a dark alley offering you sweets, don’t attempt to begin a conversation about the respective merits of Dido and Weezer and their contribution to contemporary 21st century music. Run. What I mean is, if you are in a bar or a club or even just at a party and you see someone who looks interesting, don’t hang back with the opinion that perhaps what you have to say may not be interesting to him or her. Go and talk to them. Imagine how happy you would be if someone just came up to you and randomly began a conversation, well, other people feel the same way that you do. You never know, you may make a lifelong friend that otherwise you would have missed out on.

p.s. I’d just like to apologise to Quiff briefly as he did tell me never to talk to women ever again. Well, to hell with you.

December 13th – When you become famous, don’t forget your roots

I’d like to aim this particularly to the people from our school that will become famous, or infamous, it’s just as good. It’s like flammable and inflammable, they mean the same thing. They are listed below with a brief description of why.

Gareth Price (Largest exporter of heroin in Colombia)
Crim (Didn’t you ever see Top Gun)
Brin (Drummer for the house band on ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Ross’)
Gemma Cobb (Not sure what for but in the yearbook, she says she will be a star and frankly, I’m not going to argue)

I’m not saying go off on an ‘I’m still Jenny from the block’ trip, just throw in the fact that you used to go to one of the most underprivileged schools in the whole country. You could also make up some sob story about how when it got cold, we had to go and collect firewood and stoke up the Victorian boiler in the basement purely to get enough heat to cook our gruel. Hell, it worked for Annie, a crazy-looking old rich man took her in.

December 14th – Read Dr. Zhivago

I don’t read. Ever. This is the only book that I have read in the past 3 years and it is easily the most superb book that I have ever read. It is a book that everyone should read at least once and the two reasons why people don’t are that it is around 600 pages long and that it has been made into a film. Firstly, don’t be so lazy, read 2 pages a day and you’ll be finished in a year. Secondly, the film stars Omar Sharif and thus, is terrible. It is a wonderful story of a doctor in post-revolutionary Russia who has to choose between his loving wife and the young, beautiful Lara, a girl with a dark, troubled past. Does he follow his heart or his head?, the ultimate conflict. The romance and imagery in this book hammer ‘Wuthering Heights’ and ‘Pride and Prejudice’ into the ground. READ IT, READ IT, READ IT.

December 15th – Learn to cook

This piece of advice may be spurred on by the fact that I am sitting in a dark room at half 4 in the morning and I am really, really hungry. I am torn between my desire to go and get some noodles and my pressing need to finish this report. But anyway, cook. Purely and simply because if you don’t eat, you will die. Medically proven fact for you there. Also, it really fills out your CV. There is only so much room that 50 metres swimming badge and Eisteddfod History prize can take up (two things that are actually on my current CV).

December 16th – Test your mind with logic problems

This is a great way of feeling like your doing something intellectual without actually using any brainpower. Here are a couple to get you started.

• What can you sit on, sleep in and brush your teeth with?
• A man is moving towards the middle of a field. He knows that when he gets to the middle of the field, he is going to die. Yet, he doesn’t stop moving. Why not?

December 17th – At some point in your life, break a law (preferably a minor one)

The defence ‘James told me to do it’ will never hold up in court so don’t even bother to try it when you are convicted of embezzling $12 million. I’m only pointing out that laws are created in order for people to break them. One day, cycle without a light, steal a policeman’s hat, go to Holland and jaywalk, whatever. Although, I’m guessing this advice is probably a little too late due to the trend amongst the youths of today to begin drinking on their 14th birthday. Cider in the park, is there anything like it in this world? If there is then I don’t want to know about it.

p.s. If you are going to embezzle $12million, make sure you do it from Microsoft or McDonalds. They deserve it. And that excuse really will hold up in court.

December 18th – When you commit to writing 25 pieces of advice, make sure you actually have 25 so you don’t run out and have to put in fillers like this

December 19th – If your biro runs out but it clearly still has ink in it, put it in a glass of hot water and it will start working again

Straight out of the Daily Mail that one. Quite dull but practical. Watch, it will be the only piece of advice that you remember when you finish reading this report.

December 20th (Hanukkah) – It doesn’t matter what you believe in, just believe in something

One of the best lines in the Kevin Smith movie Dogma, especially because it is uttered by the delightful Salma Hayek. It’s the truth though. It doesn’t matter what religion you are, or whether you have no religion or whether you spend all your days in a cave on the side of a mountain in Tibet, whipping yourself daily and eating nothing but raw rice, as long as you believe enough in that then you can never go wrong. Always be proud of what you believe in, at least you have enough faith to believe in something.

December 21st – If you have a hangover and you’re lying in bed and you can’t be arsed to get up, try this

OK, you basically have to say the word ‘action’. Not normally though, you have to say it as though you are Jim Carrey in ‘The Mask’. Open your mouth as wide as possible (see below) and say it in an over exaggerated American accent.

It is impossible to perform this action correctly and not end up with the biggest grin. You will then be completely prepared to kick the day up the ass. Alternatively, you could just swig some whisky and achieve the same result that way.

December 22nd – Listen to Virgin Radio online

I have been listening to said radio station all the time that I have been writing this report and I have only heard one bad song, that shitty new White Stripes one. The last three songs were ‘Californication’ by the Chillis (see 2nd December), ‘How you remind me’ by Nickelback and ‘Mad World’ by Gary Jules and that other geezer. Superb. It’s like Radio 1 without all the awful Justin and Christina ‘every song sounds the same’ crap. [Quiffs Amazing World does not endorse Nickelback, except in the use of hostage negotiations]

December 23rd – Always tell people the truth about how you feel about them

Having just seen the film ‘Love Actually’ (surprisingly good seeing as in a video shop, it would be filed under ‘Romantic Comedy’), I have realised that as sensible as this sounds, too few of us actually do it. Instead we prefer to bottle up our feelings, both bad and good until the point where we can’t cope with the pressure and anxiety any more before blurting it out inappropriately. Even it is someone you hate with a burning passion, your feelings are like vomit, better out than in. Honesty is the best policy.

December 24th (Christmas Eve) – If you’re trying to kick a door down, kick the lock

Too many people, particularly in Hollywood B-movies make the mistake of attempting to knock the door down with their shoulder by hitting it in the middle. It is far more effective to kick around the keyhole. The locking mechanism will usually give way and then the door will open. Again, I’m not condoning you to commit heinous crimes against humanity. It’s in case you forget your keys or something.

December 25th (Christmas Day) – Live, Love

I know this has come up in previous Assinder Reports but it is the kind of thing that can never be said too much. Enjoy life. Live every day as if it were your last. Be who you want to be, not who anyone else wants you to be. Don’t regret a thing. Look back on the good times and put the bad times behind you. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve the things you want. Fall in love with the person that you want to be with and who wants to be with you and co-exist in a world of happiness.

And that’s it. 25 small pieces of advice. It’s now half 5 in the morning and I am seriously going to go to bed. I am shattered. I’ll catch you guys soon. I hope you had fun.

Any feedback?

James – [email protected]
Quiff – [email protected]