Christ, the things I have to do to get a bloody Assinder Report these days. As you may know, the Assinder Reoprt is probably the best bit of my site (its my site and the best bit is something I don't even write? Bastards, the lot of you...). I've asked him to write a special one for the festive season. On the condition that I write his entry in Peeps. He then retorted 'Why don't you just give me a page dedicated to me?'. I nearly slapped the cheeky git. Instead, I asked my ghost-writer to write a biography. Here it is...
James Herquel Magellan
Assinder (the 6th) was born into a life of wealth, of poshness and of Ferrero
Rocher nearly twenty years ago. He spent his early years in the high security
of the Borneo jungle, where he learned how to read and write from the most
respected orangutan of the time, Clyde. This orange ape has worked alongside
the likes of Clint Eastwood in 'Every Which Way But Loose' and opposite Burt
Reynolds, Sammy Davis Jnr and Jackie Chan in 'Cannonball Run 2'. Very few
people know that Clyde was also a university graduate, having completed three
years at Yale with a distinction in International Politics and Monetary Systems.
He has a wife named Boo-Boo.
Anyway, back to young Assinder. It was believed his first word was 'Archipelago'
followed shortly by a hurling sound and then the production of something disgusting.
Perhaps this wasn't his first word, maybe he was just throwing up.
From the ages of 3 onwards to the age of 13, very little is known about Assinders early schooling. There are blurry government surveillance photographs of him writing 'Burn Thatcher' with building blocks, but the goverment dismissed this as coincidence that the blocks were given to him in that order. Psychoanalytical studies of his early drawings proved inconclusive; they were either good or crap, no-one ever decided which. Anyway, after several years of good behaviour, he was promoted into David Hughes, a level three detention centre cleverly disguised as a Secondary School. Here, he was to meet the people who made him who he is today.
Assinder was fast approaching old-age by the time he had reached Secondary School. Here, he struggled to learn the difference between 'tomato and tomato', and apparently its all in the pronounciation. Well, after this discovery, there was no stopping him. German was his next target, and it was in these mere classes that he met his mentor. Entschuldigung! For those of you who do not speak GCSE German, this meant 'Excuse me', and was to be spoken of to death in the following two years. Yes, his mentor was a quiet man, well-spoken (slightly paradoxical that, don't you think?) and deep in meditative thought. I am that man.
Noone really wants to know the real Assinder. To many people, he's that weird kid who sits at his computer terminal, tap tap tapping away at his next Assinder Report (or he better be, at least). But, I say, take the time to get to know this rather oddball character. He may appear scary at first, but like spiders and other sort of insects, he's more scared of you than you are of him. He use large words, but you only have me to blame for that. I ask him to write a bloody page a month, and all he does is fill it up with long words that he doesn't understand. I ask you never to buy him a thesauraus.
I hope this biography of Assinder has provided you with insight into his rather bizarre life. All of the events on this page are true, apart from the odd one which isn't. And to cap off this bio-fest, heres a rare picture of the Jiang Zemin strippergram we ordered for James 18th birthday. Incredibly realistic double for only a fiver and the promise of world-power...