Proof (if needed) that Alcohol can actually expand your mind, and allow you to think without boundaries. Or something along those lines. Assinder Report 8...
I
blame ‘About Schmidt’…and Woody Allen
By James Assinder
Alcohol-induced conversations. They are a concept that is passed off by a majority of religious leaders, many politicians and Chris Martin from Coldplay as the work of Satan and his many minions. I don’t know why I informed you that he’s from Coldplay; anyone who’s past 2 years haven’t been spent in a nuclear bunker in the middle of Serbia will have caught the Coldplay hype. Anyway, drunken conversations give us the opportunity to put the world to rights, to muse over the things that we don’t quite understand without the barrier of sense standing in our way. This particular conversation mainly involved myself, Gareth Price (he with the spiky hair) and Mike (sorry Q). It also involved, momentarily, other dignitaries such as Quiff himself, Loz, Crim and Nick. Nick will never forgive me if I don’t mention the following information. Nick has to have plastic bags, is obsessed with sex and thinks he looks like a woman. Putting that aside, I will inform you that this week’s topic is an age-old problem and I am taking it upon myself to determine whether there is an answer. What is more important, looks or personality? Before we begin, permit me to get 3 things straight.
For the case
examples in this report, I am not going to use anybody that I know for fear
of causing offence. I am instead going to use celebrities. They have no feelings
and therefore cannot be affronted.
When I was having this conversation, I had already drunk 2 double whiskies,
1 quadruple whisky (all at once, send your applause in monetary form), 1 Smirnoff
ice, 1 Fosters and a bottle of Irish vodka. I am currently attempting to fill
in the blanks in my own memory, forgive me if my arguments are slightly patchy
in places.
I am a heterosexual male; I therefore have no idea what anyone looks for in
a man. Hence, this report will be written from my perspective and the other
heterosexual males who have been kind, or stupid, enough to give me their
opinions on this topic. If you are a woman and are currently reading this
hoping to gain a valuable insight as to why we are how we are, I advise you
to either become a lesbian and continue or just to leave, go to the Snaps
page.
The conversation
began with Price mentioning that he had recently seen the film ‘About Schmidt’
in which Kathy Bates (the one from ‘Misery’, Stephen King fans) has a nude
scene in a Jacuzzi. For those of you who don’t know Mrs. Bates, let me describe
her; she is a roughly 50-year old woman, slightly plump with grey hair and
an air of Jo Brand about her. Price remarked that he would much rather see
Shannon Elizabeth nude due to the fact that she ‘takes her vitamins’. The
term ‘one-track mind’ was invented so that psychiatrists would have something
to put on Price’s notes besides ‘obsessive compulsive’ and ‘paranoid schizophrenic’.
What I wasn’t aware of was that Mikes psychiatrist was a bandwagon jumper
and hurriedly gave him the same condition. He agreed whole-heartedly with
Price’s opinions on pornographic etiquette. The spotlight was then, unfortunately,
turned in my direction. I, being the shrinking violet that I am, tried to
avoid the question as long as possible but like a tortured war criminal, I
couldn’t hold out forever. The argument began when I asked whether they had
taken into account the personalities of the two people in question before
passing judgement on them. Price told me that when one-night stands are being
considered, it matters not whether the girl has the personality of a chair
leg as long as she’s beautiful. He said that if we were talking about marriage
then it would be a different proverbial kettle of fish. I personally think
that this is such a crock of shit and it is this kind of opinion that leads
to early marriages, multiple divorces and trophy girlfriends. At what point
did we as human beings stop caring about inner beauty and deep-rooted connections
and move into a world of botox, breast implants and hair extensions? It shouldn’t
matter if it’s a one-night stand or a lifetime commitment, why should we not
take the time out to really get to know the person before jumping into bed
with them? Why are we determined to imitate films like ‘American Pie’ and
’10 Things I Hate About You’? Are we breeding a nation of Stiflers? Where
has the romance gone that was present in ‘From Here To Eternity’ and ‘Breakfast
At Tiffany’s’? Will the words ‘I just called to say I love you’ ever be uttered
again in earnest or will we spend the rest of our lives ‘on the pull’ due
to our inability to get to know anyone?
God, that was quite a question-fest. I think that you may have gathered by
now that I rate personality far higher than looks in all respects. I have
very old-fashioned views on love and the suchlike. I think that sex should
be about so much more than just sex. It should be about two people who have,
over a period of time, developed a mutual affection not based solely on physical
attraction expressing their feelings for each other in a new way.
So in theory I have told slight mistruths. This report isn’t really going
into detail about what I feel is more important with regards to looks and
personality. It is a report criticising the laziness of the human race. We
don’t even take the time to consider whether we would get on with someone
outside of a bedroom scenario, so eager are we to satisfy our basic animal
instincts.
Who is to blame? Do we blame ourselves for being socially inept? I say no.
Personally, I blame Tony Wilson. Tony Wilson was the founder of the ‘Hacienda’
nightclub in the middle of Manchester and is officially given the title of
the ‘father of rave culture’. You can blame him for the fact that the music
in the Octagon is played so loud. Subsequently, you can also blame him for
the fact that in said Octagon, no-one can hear what anyone else is saying.
Hence, you can blame him for the fact that due to the lack of conversation,
no-one can find out if the cute blonde in the red dress has a great personality
until you wake up with her the next morning. If he had never existed, we may
all still spend our evenings out in lounges. The girls would be dressed to
the nines in stunning cocktail dresses and the guys would all be imitating
their favourite rat pack member (in case you’re interested, mine was Frank
Sinatra, he may have been a cheating bastard who ruined Mia Farrow’s life
but he did have a certain ‘Ring-a-ding-ding’). At a sensible volume in the
background there would be some Ella Fitzgerald or a touch of Billie Holliday,
which would allow people to converse freely. One would then realise, almost
instantly, that the cute blonde in the red dress had the IQ, sense of humour
and PMA of a goldfish and one would pass on her offer of bacon and eggs.
Anyway, I think I have now taken up enough of your time but remember one thing.
In ‘American Pie’, Jim doesn’t go for Shannon Elizabeth because she is a vain,
geek-loving tramp. Instead he chooses band camp Michelle who, admittedly,
looks like the back of a bus in comparison however is certainly on his wavelength.
They live happily ever after, the end.
I’m losing
my mind. I’ve stopped caring whether you send feedback or not
James [email protected]
Quiff [email protected]
Quiffs Addenum
Now, correct
me if i'm wrong, but the reason Jim doesn't go with Shannon Elizabeth is something
to do with the Web Cam scene? The word 'Premature' springs to mind...
Also, I would like to add
that Nick is possibly the worst frisbee thrower/catcher I have ever witnessed.
God bless him, he did try though; and i'm sure he threw well at least four
times.