And what do you want for Christmas? A bicycle? A bicycle? You'll have an Assinder Report and like it, you little bastard. NEXT!!
I’ll Have
One For My Baby, And One More For The Road
By James Assinder
I once vowed
to myself that I would never do this again. That my days of sitting staring
at the letters ‘AR’ emblazoned on my computer screen were over; lost like
a pretzel under the universal sofa of time. I had reckoned though without
the cunning spiel of Quiff who, through an ingenious combination of bribery
and guilt-tripping has brought me out of retirement for this Christmas special.
Ah, how very ‘Red Dragon’.
Firstly, let me fill you in on the events that have occurred in my topsy-turvy
world since last we spoke, which I believe was somewhere around early August.
Well, I am now at University here in the grand city of Manchester. I am studying
a terribly boring course in Business Studies that seems to involve sitting
in over-crowded lecture theatres listening to pompous arses discuss the relative
merits of Karl Marx. Take my word for it; I am (hopefully) not a stereotypical
student. I have not yet sat outside an art gallery, worn a beret or philosophised
about how the Capitalist way of thinking means that the leaves on the trees
choose to fall downwards rather than upwards. I am broke and am teetering
on the edge of alcoholism but at least a majority of my marbles are still
within arms reach.
Secondly, allow
me to thank and congratulate Quiff on his Quiff report. A rather tremendous
piece of investigative journalism there. I have high hopes for the boy, much
as Cap Rooney did for Willie Beaman in the terrible Al Pacino movie ‘Any Given
Sunday’. Long may Quiff continue in this vein.
Thirdly, let me get to the point of this whole report. I’m sure you have far
better things to do than listening to me speak about myself. The number 25
is synonymous with Christmas and therefore, during this yuletide period, I
am on hand to provide you with 25 pieces of advice, 25 annoyingly true pearls
of wisdom that I will entrust to your keeping. Hopefully, you will view them
in a way other than condescending and view me as somewhat of a guru. Let me
say one thing though before we begin. Advice, much like the American political
system as a whole, is not foolproof. Any attempt to sue me due to the fact
that somebody threw a drink in your face whilst you were following my advice
will be dealt with swiftly by my lawyers (formerly in the employment of OJ
Simpson). Right then, if that’s all settled, permit me to begin.
1st December – University… the truth
A clarification. Academically, university is not all it’s cracked up to be. Admittedly, the women are better-looking, the alcohol is cheaper and the lie-ins are longer. All of this pales into insignificance when you know that a majority of a student’s day is spent sitting around listening to overly-preened, sexually frustrated mummy’s boys talking about how the world would be a better place if we had only listened to the teachings of Plato, Pareto or some other Greek/ Italian bullshitter with no idea of how the real world works. So, my advice is if you meet one of these people and he starts spitting crap at you, poke him squarely in the middle of his tank top and inform him (as Matt Damon did in the superb movie Good Will Hunting) that you could have obtained the education that he paid thousands for for merely £3 in late library fines.
2nd December – Listen to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers
This may sound completely inane and you may be suspecting that I in fact now work for the band. This is not the case. I only want to tell you that if you only listen to one band for the rest of your life, the Chillis are the band that you need. Some may say the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. Screw them, with the Beatles, before you get to the good stuff, you have to put up with all the poppy, crappy junk at the beginning that only Japanese people like (‘I want to hold your hand’, ‘She loves you’, etc). The Stones? Are you serious? 4 pensioners talking about painting doors black, musical genius, my arse. With the chillis, you get it all. Who hasn’t had one of those days and has come home, put ‘Under the Bridge’ or ‘Scar Tissue’ on, rode out the pain and felt a hell of a lot better afterwards. Alternatively, when you want to rock out, just put on ‘By the way’ and blow your mind. They combine the morosity of Alanis Morisette with the annoying euphoria of Busted to make a heady mix that is pure gold.
3rd December – Worship Cameron Crowe and John Hughes
For the film buffs among you, this may seem obvious. For the people with lives, permit me to explain. Cameron Crowe and John Hughes are, by far, the greatest directors of pop culture cinema in the past 50 years. With credits between them that include ‘Vanilla Sky’, ‘Almost Famous’, ‘Jerry Maguire’, ‘The Breakfast Club’ and ‘Sixteen Candles’, they are the Scorseses for the angst-ridden teens and romantic twentysomethings everywhere. You have not known emotion on film until you have seen Tom Cruise running through a deserted Times Square, Emilio Estevez and co. bonding in Saturday detention and Kate Hudson’s attempted drug overdose.
4th December – Kotlety z płatkòw owsianych
20dkg płatkòw owsianych, 2 szklanki wody, sòl, łyżka margaryny, 5 dkg cebuli, 1-2 jaja, łyżka posiekanej natki pietruszki albo 3 łyżki startego sera żòłtego, sòl, pieprz, bułka tarta, 3 łyżki tłuszczu do smażenia.
Płatki wrzucić na wrzącą osoloną wodę i gotować 3 minuty. Ostudzić, wymieszać z jajkiem. Podsmażyć na tłuszczu cebulę, dodać ją do płatkòw, domieszać również posiekaną natkę albo ser. Doprawić do smaku solą i pieprzem. Formować z masy kotlety, obtaczać je w tartej bułce i smażyć. Podawać z sosem pomidorowym lub grzybowym oraz z surówką.
It is Christmas, we had to have at least one recipe. I thought that I would give you a challenge by giving you a Polish recipe for pork chops. My advice would be translate it and serve it to your family over the Christmas period. ‘Nuff said.
5th December – Never have a desk
I cannot take credit entirely for this one. This was a piece of advice that was given to me by a particularly beautiful Scottish girl. I did however think it so good that I would pass it on to you. The basic premise is that you know that you have a boring job when you are given a desk, especially if on that desk, there is a small plaque with your name on it. It is at this point that you should look back to when you left school and remember what it was that you said that you wanted from life. I bet no-one will say that they wanted to sit behind a misshapen piece of oak signing their names on pieces of paper. If you find yourself in this scenario, walk immediately to your boss’ office and resign. Go and get that job that you always wanted, a job that lets you be outside in the fresh air as nature intended.
6th December – Travel Tips
Here (in reverse order, nothing but the best) are my top ten European cities to visit. Simple enough.
10 Paris,
France
9 Prague, Czech Republic
8 Warsaw, Poland
7 Venice, Italy
6 Cologne, Germany
5 Siena, Italy
4 London, England
3 Edinburgh, Scotland
2 Krakow, Poland
1 Barcelona, Spain
7th December – Choose one song, one film, one book and one painting that represent your life and who you are as a person
This may sound like an idea from a bad acid trip but it truly is one of the best feelings when ‘your song’ (the one you have chosen, not the one by Elton John) comes on the radio or you hear it in a club. It makes you feel that people acknowledge your existence, that they know you’re alive and kicking. Choose carefully though. Spend some time deliberating. Far too many people will choose in order to impress people with their knowledge of ‘culture’, they’ll pick ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, ‘The Seventh Seal’, ‘Catcher in the Rye’ and something from Picasso’s blue period. Make sure that there is something that represents your uniqueness, for remember, as Chesney Hawkes put it, you are the one and only you.
8th December – (For the guys) If on a date, always compliment the girl on her shoes
Picture the scene. You have arranged a date with a girl. You have spent 20 minutes getting ready. She, on the other hand, has spent the equivalent time deciding whether she will wear the blue Kenneth Cole’s or whether some black strappy, slinky things would be more appropriate. How delighted, how enraptured do you think she will be when you justify her decision by saying that they look great?
p.s. If she turns up wearing size 15 army boots, saying they look great can sound nothing but patronizing. Instead, take the time to excuse yourself, got to the bathroom and either:
a) Escape
through the convenient Hollywood window
b) Hang yourself